I don’t like good-byes. I don’t think anyone does, really. Good-byes mean changes, and no one likes those either. However, if we never said good-bye to anything, that would mean we were never going anywhere. If we are never changing, that means we are never growing. There is a word we use for something that never moves or grows. That word is dead.
Having said that, this last week and a half is full of good-byes for me. I have lived in Florida longer than I previously lived in Chicago (28 years vs. 11). Furthermore, I have lived here for all my important life milestones – marriage, children, college, and work. I have attended the same church this whole time, and my best friend has been my best friend since I arrived. I’ve worked in the same school district for a decade working part-time in the same restaurant for the same decade. That is a lot of stability. I am confident that this is the right time for me to go, but that doesn’t mean that I am not sad about leaving. This week, I am busy trying to see people one last time before I go. I have dinners, lunches, and of course – runs scheduled with various individuals. I have a going-away party scheduled for this weekend. I have plans to spend quality time with my kids, since neither of them will actually be living in the city with me. Although I have (sort of) adjusted to my daughter living away at school, this is the first time I will be away from my son. As I’ve been making the rounds, I have been telling people that this is not a permanent good-bye; it is just a temporary one. I know I’ll be back. I know I’ll actually be back quite often. Although for years I have been counting the days until I could return to the city, ultimately I have ties to this community that run deep. They have helped mold me into the person I am today, and I really like the person I turned out to be. Yes, there have been many turbulent times, but those periods have only made me stronger, more focused, and better equipped to accomplish my future goals. Knowing all this makes the rounds of good-byes easier. That’s what this part of my journey is all about, and it is exciting and frightening at the same time. I am alive; therefore, I grow. I change. I say good-bye (or at least, “See you later).
Month: July 2013
The Back Issue
I believe that I have established the fact that I am passionate about running. It is an integral part of who I am. So, when I am not able to run, I do not feel like I am myself. And in the middle of all the turmoil in my life right now, not being able to run is driving me batty.
I have always had issues with my back since being injured in a severe car accident at the age of 15. Every once in awhile, it would act up more than others. I would visit a chiropractor, have some adjustments, and then everything would return to normal. Several years ago, my lower back started causing me even more difficulty. It would start to “go” more often. There are two specific incidents I can remember that foreshadowed the current conditions wherein I now find myself. The first was when I was rolling my compact refrigerator from my regular classroom to the room where I would be teaching summer school. There was a slight step up from the hall into the class. I went to lift the cart up slightly and felt a sharp pain in my lower back. It shot up my back and down my leg, but after stretching for a bit (once I recovered from the pain), it seemed to be okay. Then, right before New Year’s Eve a few years ago, I went to get out of bed and felt a pop. At the same time, pain shot from my lower back all through my body. I was unable to move. Thank God I had my phone right next to me. I texted my daughter, who was across the house in her room. I still remember how the color drained out of her face when she walked in my room and saw the pain I was in. It took almost 45 minutes to get me from the bed to the car. Then, the first walk-in clinic I went to wasn’t that helpful. I then spent the next few weeks going to the chiropractor three times per week getting my back fixed. However, I never visited a medical doctor, and that was probably a costly error on my part.
Fast forward to 2011. In October of that year, I ran the Atlanta Marathon. Somehow, the fact that Atlanta was so hilly had escaped me during all my training. I don’t like looking at course maps in too much detail because I don’t want my mind to start envisioning worst-case scenarios. I don’t pay too much attention to the elevation because I’m going to run the course anyway so why freak myself out? However, up until that point, I had ran (mostly) only flat courses. I had driven through Atlanta, but had never walked through the city. So I had no frame of reference for this race. It was 26.2 miles of grueling hills. I remember how disappointed I was at the finish because I didn’t set a new PR. Little did I know that that should’ve been the least of my worries.
After the race, I took off a couple of weeks to rest. Yet, once I started running again, something wasn’t right. I felt achy, but different from the normal, “I just ran a marathon,” achy. My running was sporadic at best, even though I had an upcoming half-marathon. Although I knew I didn’t train properly for that race, it was my favorite course, I had already registered, so I was running it anyway. Probably not the best decision. At the end of that race, I fell to the ground in such pain I knew I had to give in and go to the doctor.
Long story short, I eventually found out that I had two “severely ruptured” discs in my spine: my L5 and S1. My running, and all other physical activity, came to a screeching halt. I went through physical therapy and epidural injections. After what seemed like an eternity, I was cleared to “run” again. I had to start with strict walking and work my way up, just like I do with brand new runners that join my cross country team. I also started going to yoga as soon as I was cleared by my sports doctor. At this point, I have been running fairly consistently for almost a year, but not without setbacks. When they occur, I try to keep perspective, but sometimes it’s hard. Right now, my back seems to be hurting more than usual. The pain that runs down my right leg has been acting up quite a bit. So, I have tried to be smart and not force anything, but it’s hard. With everything in chaos around me, I yearn for the open road. Yet, since I want to run for the rest of my life, I will be patient, rest, stretch, and take care of my body. Therefore, if you are a runner, count your blessings and go run one for me today.
Going Forth
I think this is one of the most discombobulated times of my life. Everything is changing. Some of the changes are self-induced; some of them are circumstantial. Regardless, half the time I’m having difficulty keeping track of whether I am coming or going! Part of that might be related to the fact that I am currently based out of two separate houses while I am preparing to make my big move.
Since my last post, we had the memorial service for Dad and the installation service for his son as our new pastor. That was the most emotionally-draining weekend ever. While I believe that everything went just as Dad would’ve wanted it, it is still hard to wrap my head around the reality that he is gone. Although it is impossible, I keep thinking that at any moment he will show up and this will all have been some horrible dream.
Yet, as further proof that life goes on, I flew up to Chicago last week for a final interview and left with the job. I am going back to my roots – teaching a self-contained middle school class for students with severe emotional and behavioral disabilities (EBD). Students with EBD are my passion. I feel that I am best suited to teach these kids and am so excited about this position. I truly feel that I have been given my dream job. In fact, when I first graduated from college this is the exact type of position for which I was looking.
As excited as I am about this new opportunity and returning to the city, I also feel a deepening sadness about the people I am leaving behind. The fact that my son is staying here until he goes off to boot camp is overwhelming. I feel guilty about leaving my best friend and family right when I feel they need me the most. My boyfriend has to stay here for now because his children are much younger than mine, and he can’t leave them (nor would I want him to). Plus, I have many cherished friends I am leaving behind in exchange for a city where I will only know a handful of people (at first). Yet, every time I start to feel a little panicked, I remind myself that this was my decision. I want to be back in the city. I want to be closer to my daughter, and my son will soon be gone anyway. Many people have had successful long-distance relationships, and I will always be here for my best friend and adopted family – no matter the miles between us. This is my path, and down it I must travel. I still have goals I need to accomplish, and I know I am heading to a place where I can best do that. It is time for me to do in my life exactly what I always tell my students, “Go forth and conquer.”
Just Keep Running
Yesterday was the first time I went for a run since the day that time stood still. There was a part of me that felt that it was too soon. I felt I was being selfish for wanting this time for myself when there was so much to do and people who need me. However, running has always been my therapy. Anytime my heart has been broken, I have taken solace in my running. It comforts me, strengthens me, and helps me feel there are still areas in my life of which I have control. So, I laced up my shoes and hit the road. The first mile was hard. I reminisced, I cried, I struggled to put one foot in front of the other. As I kept running, the messages that my “dad” preached over the years started to fill my head. Messages about running a good race, pressing on despite the circumstances, being strong in the face of adversity, trusting God in all things, hard work, sacrifice, and the like. The more I ran, the more I realized and believed that this run was my best way of honoring him. For this is exactly what he would want for me and everyone else affected by his death. He would want us to press on, to keep dreaming, setting goals, and working to achieve them. That is the truth for anyone who has lost a loved one. Yes, we mourn, and yes we are broken-hearted. But we are still alive. And we must carry on. That is how we pay tribute to our loved ones who have passed on and strengthen our spirits.
I’ll Be Missing You
Last week, my entire world changed. When I last wrote to you, I was packing for my move. Five days after that post, as I was knee-deep in boxes with my childhood best friend, we received a phone call from her brother that shattered our day. Her parents had been traveling on their 40th wedding anniversary when her dad died suddenly during a snorkeling excursion off the coast of Honduras. Watching my best friend crumple to the floor, taking the phone and hearing the news from her brother, I knew that from this moment on life would be forever different.
I first met Dad as an angry, almost 12 year old girl. I had recently moved to Florida to live with my father, step-mother, two step-brothers, and a six month old half-brother, and he was the pastor of the church they attended. I was very angry about the move. I did not want to be here, and I expressed my displeasure with the situation often. My father had convinced my mom that he wanted to make up for all the lost years between us (I hadn’t seen him since I was around 4-5 years old), and my mother truly believed it would be good for me. To make a long story short, it wasn’t. I will maybe discuss that another day, but suffice to say, I left home one week after my 17th birthday and never looked back. However, during those turbulent five years, the one constant in life was “Dad” – and his daughter who is my best friend to this day. He was my champion. He believed in me and encouraged me even when no one else did. He took me in as one of his own, and I was often referred to as another daughter. He married me and was there when both of my children were born. He comforted me when that marriage began to crumble due to my husband’s ongoing battle with mental illness. He was there when I thought I had found someone new with whom to share my life, and was still there when that ended up not being the case. All of my holiday memories revolve around him, my best friend, and our families because we spent them all together. He attended all of my children’s birthdays, and more recently, both of their high school graduations. He was so proud to see the woman I had become and the adults my children were turning out to be, and we spoke often about what the future held. He was the only grandfather my kids really knew, and in the words of my daughter, “The only one who has stayed” for their entire lives. Right before he left for his cruise, I saw him in the parking lot of Home Depot. We talked for just a short while. Most of the conversation revolved around his displeasure about me moving back to Chicago. He has been trying to talk me out of it for as long as I have been talking about going. The conversation was short, but light-hearted, silly, and full of love. I am so glad I have that moment to cherish.
Because of his position as a well-known and highly regarded minister, people all over the world are mourning his loss. He was the founding pastor of our church and had affected thousands of lives. He leaves behind his high school sweetheart, three children who loved him dearly, and three grandchildren who adored him. More than that though, he leaves behind an extended family that spreads all around the globe. This week has been one of the most difficult in my life as we have been dealing with our grief about his death, planning his memorial service, guiding the church members through this difficult time, and most importantly, supporting the family with whatever they need. I feel like everything I do is inadequate to express my love for this man I called “Dad.” Even what I have written here does not portray the full picture of who he was to me. Suffice to say, I loved him completely, and he loved me unconditionally. I miss him.
And I know you’re shining down on me from heaven
Like so many friends we’ve lost along the way
And I know eventually we’ll be together
One sweet dayRead more: MARIAH CAREY – ONE SWEET DAY LYRICS /blockquote>
Words from the Long Run 