The last time I posted back in 2014, I talked about not really knowing anyone here in the city. As a middle-aged mom with an empty nest in a city of millions, and in the dead of one of the coldest winters in decades, meeting people was a little difficult – to put it lightly. But as the weather warmed up, and I ventured out, I started to connect with other people, and since that time I’m happy to report that I have met so many wonderful people and have added such meaningful relationships to my life. Making new friends is hard at any stage of life. It requires a person to be willing to take some risks. Yes, in some cases you might get hurt, but I have found that more often than not, the energy you put out into the world is what will make its way back to you. If you find yourself feeling alone and in need of friends, the best advice I can give is to start by being friendly to others. Be willing to try new things and strike up conversations with people around you. As human beings, we are wired to desire connections with others. Just a smile or a warm greeting could be enough to spark new friendships. Also…offering s’mores….that will definitely help foster lasting friendships. But more on that another time!
Category: Parenting, Empty Nest
I’m Back!
So, it’s been awhile since I was last on this site. Five years to be exact. It is amazing how true the saying is that, “the days go by slow, but the years go by fast.” When I first moved back home to Chicago, my intent was to continue sharing my experiences as a teacher, mother, runner, and woman in today’s society. However, over time, I felt that blogging under the name “pseducator” (public school educator) wasn’t genuine since I was not teaching in a public school at the time. I thought about creating a new blog, but to be honest, life got in the way, and I never got around to it. So, here I am, back in the public education sector, and ready to muse about all that life has to offer. Since I last wrote you, so much has happened in my life and the world itself. To be honest, many times when I would be out running, I would craft a new blog post in my mind and think about getting on here to write it. I apologize that I never did, but I look forward to all that we have to discuss. If you were a previous follower of this blog, welcome back! If you are new to this site, welcome! Let this be the beginning of a long and fruitful relationship. I’ll talk to you soon.
So Much to Say (sorry, DMB)
I must admit – since the last time I actually wrote, there have been many times when I’ve started a new blog post in my mind (usually while running or when reading something interesting while on my commute to work). Unfortunately, I didn’t sit and actually write them. That is definitely something I am going to work on improving over the course of this year. The whole reason I started this blog is because I have a lot to say, but it doesn’t do much good if I don’t actually take the time to say it.
Having gotten that off my chest, there is so much going on right now. Winter is fading, spring break is four days away (along with a trip to Florida), my son is officially living here (and just got a job!), I’m running strong again (outside!)…the list could go on. It’s hard to believe I’ve already been back in the city for almost nine months. Every day, I wake up at peace with my decision to move up here- even though I miss my Florida friends and family dearly. I still haven’t met a lot of people outside of my co-workers, but with the weather warming up, I’m looking forward to being out and about in the city and having more opportunities to strike up friendships. While my work is emotionally exhausting at times, I love my students and the adults who work alongside me. I am loving my life and want to help others do the same. So excuse me for being all over the place with this post. I promise I’ll be more on-topic in the future, or at least stick to one topic. For now, to borrow from my absolute favorite band yet again – “Celebrate we will, because life is sweet but short for certain.” (Dave Matthews Band for those who aren’t in the know)
Hello, Again!
Happy New Year, everyone! Wow! It has been a long time since I last wrote, and for that I apologize. Shortly after my last post, I moved into my own apartment and proceeded to spend the next week in the hospital. I didn’t have Internet in my new place until right before the holidays, and well… You know how the holidays go. So, here I am, four months later, finally ready to continue blogging. There is so much to discuss I’m not even sure where to start, but I think I will start with the most bittersweet: birthdays.
As I write this, there have been two major birthday milestones in my family. My daughter turned 21 in September, and I turned 40 in November. On top of that, my son is turning 19 tomorrow, and it’s his first birthday for which I haven’t been there. It also marks the last year that I can say I have a teenager. So, yes – the birthdays are bittersweet this time around.
For my daughter’s 21st birthday, she came over to the city with a friend of hers. My best friend flew up for the night, and together with my brothers we danced the night away. It is a memory I will always treasure. I love that my daughter is getting to the age where, while she is still “my child,” she is also becoming “my friend.”
As for that whole turning 40 thing, I really am okay with it. Looking back on my life so far, I have accomplished the goals that I have set for myself up until this point. Yes, there have been struggles along the way, but I am very proud of what I have accomplished so far. I am also very excited about what my future holds. I have a whole new list of goals to accomplish for the second half of my life (more on that another time). It was weird spending my birthday with my mom and brothers and without either of my children or any of my friends, but on a positive note – since I am a Thanksgiving baby I was able to celebrate with them only a couple of days later. Therefore, I will now have the best of both worlds for my birthday!
Funny enough, the toughest birthday of the three is definitely my son’s. This will be his last year as a teenager, and I’m having difficulty processing that. My son is an almost-grown man, even though I feel like it was just yesterday that he was my little boy. I must admit, if there was ever a moment where I could freeze time, this would be it.
Speaking of birthdays, it is almost midnight in Florida. I am off to tell my son happy birthday. I promise I won’t leave you hanging for another four months!
A New Beginning
I’m here! Even though I am currently in my brother’s apartment in Chicago, the fact that I am not just here for a visit has not quite sunk in yet – even with the knowledge that I start work on Monday and start my second job on Tuesday. After saying I was one day returning to the city, today is that one day. The journey was arduous. Everything that could’ve gone wrong did. It took us almost 30 hours to get here, we drove through rain, fog, mountains, and even had a flat tire. First we drove to Michigan to drop off my daughter. We had to unload her stuff from the truck, then go to the storage place, load up that stuff, and bring it back to her apartment. That was definitely a milestone moment. I’m grateful I got to be there with her as she began the process of moving in to her own place. We went grocery shopping together, and I was able to share her first meal in her new home with her. Moments like that are priceless. Watching her unpack her kitchen and decide where to put things really impressed upon me the circle of life. That and the fact that my son is no longer with me. Leaving him behind in Florida was heart-wrenching. It is hard to write about because I miss him terribly. I wasn’t ready for him to leave, not that parents ever are. (Well, maybe sometimes.) However, ready or not – here I am. New job, new city, new opportunities, and new adventures. Let the journey begin…
Good-bye Week
I don’t like good-byes. I don’t think anyone does, really. Good-byes mean changes, and no one likes those either. However, if we never said good-bye to anything, that would mean we were never going anywhere. If we are never changing, that means we are never growing. There is a word we use for something that never moves or grows. That word is dead.
Having said that, this last week and a half is full of good-byes for me. I have lived in Florida longer than I previously lived in Chicago (28 years vs. 11). Furthermore, I have lived here for all my important life milestones – marriage, children, college, and work. I have attended the same church this whole time, and my best friend has been my best friend since I arrived. I’ve worked in the same school district for a decade working part-time in the same restaurant for the same decade. That is a lot of stability. I am confident that this is the right time for me to go, but that doesn’t mean that I am not sad about leaving. This week, I am busy trying to see people one last time before I go. I have dinners, lunches, and of course – runs scheduled with various individuals. I have a going-away party scheduled for this weekend. I have plans to spend quality time with my kids, since neither of them will actually be living in the city with me. Although I have (sort of) adjusted to my daughter living away at school, this is the first time I will be away from my son. As I’ve been making the rounds, I have been telling people that this is not a permanent good-bye; it is just a temporary one. I know I’ll be back. I know I’ll actually be back quite often. Although for years I have been counting the days until I could return to the city, ultimately I have ties to this community that run deep. They have helped mold me into the person I am today, and I really like the person I turned out to be. Yes, there have been many turbulent times, but those periods have only made me stronger, more focused, and better equipped to accomplish my future goals. Knowing all this makes the rounds of good-byes easier. That’s what this part of my journey is all about, and it is exciting and frightening at the same time. I am alive; therefore, I grow. I change. I say good-bye (or at least, “See you later).
Going Forth
I think this is one of the most discombobulated times of my life. Everything is changing. Some of the changes are self-induced; some of them are circumstantial. Regardless, half the time I’m having difficulty keeping track of whether I am coming or going! Part of that might be related to the fact that I am currently based out of two separate houses while I am preparing to make my big move.
Since my last post, we had the memorial service for Dad and the installation service for his son as our new pastor. That was the most emotionally-draining weekend ever. While I believe that everything went just as Dad would’ve wanted it, it is still hard to wrap my head around the reality that he is gone. Although it is impossible, I keep thinking that at any moment he will show up and this will all have been some horrible dream.
Yet, as further proof that life goes on, I flew up to Chicago last week for a final interview and left with the job. I am going back to my roots – teaching a self-contained middle school class for students with severe emotional and behavioral disabilities (EBD). Students with EBD are my passion. I feel that I am best suited to teach these kids and am so excited about this position. I truly feel that I have been given my dream job. In fact, when I first graduated from college this is the exact type of position for which I was looking.
As excited as I am about this new opportunity and returning to the city, I also feel a deepening sadness about the people I am leaving behind. The fact that my son is staying here until he goes off to boot camp is overwhelming. I feel guilty about leaving my best friend and family right when I feel they need me the most. My boyfriend has to stay here for now because his children are much younger than mine, and he can’t leave them (nor would I want him to). Plus, I have many cherished friends I am leaving behind in exchange for a city where I will only know a handful of people (at first). Yet, every time I start to feel a little panicked, I remind myself that this was my decision. I want to be back in the city. I want to be closer to my daughter, and my son will soon be gone anyway. Many people have had successful long-distance relationships, and I will always be here for my best friend and adopted family – no matter the miles between us. This is my path, and down it I must travel. I still have goals I need to accomplish, and I know I am heading to a place where I can best do that. It is time for me to do in my life exactly what I always tell my students, “Go forth and conquer.”
Packing Pressure
Moving is never fun. Even when the move is a happy occasion, the actual act of moving is something we all dislike. Sorting, cleaning, packing, loading and unloading boxes…it’s exhausting! Last year, I had the daunting task of packing up eight years’ worth of belongings to move across town. The house I left was the first house I had owned. It was also the longest time I had ever lived in one place. I had forgotten about how terrible moving was. Plus, I was downsizing. Therefore, I had to decide what to keep and what to discard, give away, sell, etc. This time around, I am moving across the country. I actually am moving all my belongings into storage for a month before I then load it up in the Uhaul to lug across state lines. Even then, I will first go to my daughter’s new apartment at her college, unload her half of the items, unpack her storage, and drop her off before I ultimately end up at my destination. Once there, I will then have to put my things back into a storage unit until I find a permanent residence. By the time this is all done and over with, I will have moved enough to last me for quite some time. Craziness. I know in the end this will all pay off, but right now, the sea of boxes and piles of belongings is just a little ridiculous. It also can be just a little stressful. That’s where the running and yoga take over. I have tried to maintain a consistent schedule with both, even through the chaos, because I know that if I don’t, I will probably spontaneously combust. Just today, I realized I was feeling slightly more agitated than usual. I also realized that I haven’t had a good long run for awhile. There have been short jaunts and (almost) daily yoga classes, but nothing long enough to work the kinks out. So, that has been added to the top of my to do list. I know I need to hit the road to release some of the pressure I am feeling. Out there, it’s just God and me. I pray, meditate, reflect, and just let myself be. That is why I agree with the words of John Bryant, “My feeling is that any day I am too busy to run is a day that I am too busy.”
Memorial Day
Tomorrow I am taking my son to the Air Force recruiting office to turn in his application and begin the process of making him an Airman. To say I am nervous is an understatement. I know that this is a good decision. I know that he will benefit greatly from serving his country, in ways both tangible and intangible. However, I also know that I will miss him terribly. Even though he will probably not ship out for approximately 6-9months, I was not prepared to say good-bye to him so quickly. The original plan was for him to move with me to Chicago and then go to fire school there. He has dreamed of being a fire fighter since about the seventh grade. While he was in fire school, he would’ve just lived with me. In reality, I was expecting to have at least a couple of years with him still at home. That thought did not upset me. While my son and I have had some rough patches in our relationship, especially while he was going through the wilderness of puberty, we are at a really good place right now. He has matured and grown into a young man I truly enjoy. To lose him now that I feel like I just recently found him again is upsetting. Yet, as a parent who only wants the best for her child, I also know that this isn’t about me. In truth, I was the one that opened the door to this path. I knew that a life in the military would be an asset to my son. I knew he would only benefit from the experience. I only want the best for him, and this decision is the epitome of that wish. This Memorial Day, I pay tribute to the men and women who have served our country – past and present. Too many of you did not make it back to your families, and my prayers are with those you left behind. Your sacrifice and dedication is inspiring. As I prepare to send my son to join your ranks, although my heart is heavy, it is also full of pride. God Bless America, and each and every one of you.
Spinning Plates
My son is graduating from high school in six days, my daughter is halfway through college, I’ve turned in my letter of resignation, and am trying to pack both a classroom and a house in order to move across the country in less than three months. My brothers will be here in two days, and I have not yet cleaned my house (partially because I’m trying to pack it!) I have a graduation party to host, along with my track team’s annual awards picnic. (Did I mention I am the head coach?) Wow. That’s a lot for one person to absorb. Oh, did I mention that I don’t have a job lined up yet when I arrive back home to the Windy City? The funny thing is that, since I am dual certified to teach both English grades 6-12 and Special Education K-12, that whole job thing is the least of my worries. However, everything else? A little overwhelming. My mind feels like it’s racing continuously. I have so many to-do lists, they are on the verge of being counterproductive. I feel like the entertainer who spins plates for a living, constantly running from one plate to another to make sure that none of them come crashing down. Today, I actually almost fell asleep for real in yoga class as we were in our relaxation pose! Afterwards, I was briefly tempted to skip my run because I knew there was so much to do. But, I didn’t. I laced up my shoes and hit the road, and thank goodness I did. As I inhaled the cool evening air, I could feel my load get a little lighter. As I ran, I began plotting out a course of action – what to do, when to do it, etc. By the time I finished those three miles, the world was conquered, and I was at peace. This is why I run. Because even when my life is jumbled, my running declares that I am still here. I am alive. I am strong.
The miracle isn’t that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start.-John Bingham
Words from the Long Run 