Four months ago today, I lost my soulmate. Her name was Chanda, and she had been my best friend for over 30 years. We had walked this path of life together since we were 11 years old. We were together through puberty, adolescence, college, marriages, children, divorces, and everything else under the sun. I wrote on this blog of her dad’s passing back in 2013 and how it changed everything. However, losing her changes things even more profoundly than that event had. I mentioned previously that there were life-altering events that occurred in 2018, and this is definitely the biggest one. Her passing has changed everything forever and in every way, and although it is still too soon and the wounds are still too fresh to write freely today, I was compelled to pause for a moment to remember her. For in remembering those who pass before us, we honor them and the impact they had on our lives. She was my “Thunder Buddy for Life,” and I miss her more than words can express.
Tag: dying
Every Day I’m Shuffling
2018 was a year full of fantastic high points and absolutely devastating low ones. I know people often write their reflections on the previous year sometime in January, but I have only recently returned to blogging, so I missed the boat then. However, there are things about last year I need to share in order to fully write about the present or begin to look towards the future.
Tomorrow I am running the Chicago Shamrock Shuffle for the 6th year in a row. I love this race, and it is often the official start of racing/running season for me. Last year I almost didn’t participate in this event though, because approximately six weeks prior, on the day after Super Bowl Sunday, I was rushed to the emergency room with excruciating pain. I could barely swallow or speak. I thought it was a lymph node infection or something like that, but I didn’t believe it was anything dangerous. Boy, was I wrong! The speed and efficiency at which the hospital staff moved once they determined the danger I was in was impressive. Long story short, the infection had caused swelling which in turn had caused my airway to become constricted. I had to have an emergency tracheotomy performed in order to save my life and a complex surgery to get rid of the infection. It was the scariest health situation I have ever been in, but ultimately – I. Am. Here.
Last year I was cleared to run this race only a couple of weeks prior to the event. I didn’t care though. I was just ecstatic to be out there. I actually cried a little as I ran around the last bend before the finish line because I was so grateful to still be alive, much less running. This year, I’m trying to set a new personal record on this course as a testament to still being alive and a tribute to those who have gone on before me. Every day is such a gift. Let us use those gifts wisely as we shuffle on.
‘Cause everything you thought would last forever
Never lasts forever like you plan
Don’t let your now become another
So take life by the hands while you still can – Brothers Osborne
Going Forth
I think this is one of the most discombobulated times of my life. Everything is changing. Some of the changes are self-induced; some of them are circumstantial. Regardless, half the time I’m having difficulty keeping track of whether I am coming or going! Part of that might be related to the fact that I am currently based out of two separate houses while I am preparing to make my big move.
Since my last post, we had the memorial service for Dad and the installation service for his son as our new pastor. That was the most emotionally-draining weekend ever. While I believe that everything went just as Dad would’ve wanted it, it is still hard to wrap my head around the reality that he is gone. Although it is impossible, I keep thinking that at any moment he will show up and this will all have been some horrible dream.
Yet, as further proof that life goes on, I flew up to Chicago last week for a final interview and left with the job. I am going back to my roots – teaching a self-contained middle school class for students with severe emotional and behavioral disabilities (EBD). Students with EBD are my passion. I feel that I am best suited to teach these kids and am so excited about this position. I truly feel that I have been given my dream job. In fact, when I first graduated from college this is the exact type of position for which I was looking.
As excited as I am about this new opportunity and returning to the city, I also feel a deepening sadness about the people I am leaving behind. The fact that my son is staying here until he goes off to boot camp is overwhelming. I feel guilty about leaving my best friend and family right when I feel they need me the most. My boyfriend has to stay here for now because his children are much younger than mine, and he can’t leave them (nor would I want him to). Plus, I have many cherished friends I am leaving behind in exchange for a city where I will only know a handful of people (at first). Yet, every time I start to feel a little panicked, I remind myself that this was my decision. I want to be back in the city. I want to be closer to my daughter, and my son will soon be gone anyway. Many people have had successful long-distance relationships, and I will always be here for my best friend and adopted family – no matter the miles between us. This is my path, and down it I must travel. I still have goals I need to accomplish, and I know I am heading to a place where I can best do that. It is time for me to do in my life exactly what I always tell my students, “Go forth and conquer.”
Just Keep Running
Yesterday was the first time I went for a run since the day that time stood still. There was a part of me that felt that it was too soon. I felt I was being selfish for wanting this time for myself when there was so much to do and people who need me. However, running has always been my therapy. Anytime my heart has been broken, I have taken solace in my running. It comforts me, strengthens me, and helps me feel there are still areas in my life of which I have control. So, I laced up my shoes and hit the road. The first mile was hard. I reminisced, I cried, I struggled to put one foot in front of the other. As I kept running, the messages that my “dad” preached over the years started to fill my head. Messages about running a good race, pressing on despite the circumstances, being strong in the face of adversity, trusting God in all things, hard work, sacrifice, and the like. The more I ran, the more I realized and believed that this run was my best way of honoring him. For this is exactly what he would want for me and everyone else affected by his death. He would want us to press on, to keep dreaming, setting goals, and working to achieve them. That is the truth for anyone who has lost a loved one. Yes, we mourn, and yes we are broken-hearted. But we are still alive. And we must carry on. That is how we pay tribute to our loved ones who have passed on and strengthen our spirits.
I’ll Be Missing You
Last week, my entire world changed. When I last wrote to you, I was packing for my move. Five days after that post, as I was knee-deep in boxes with my childhood best friend, we received a phone call from her brother that shattered our day. Her parents had been traveling on their 40th wedding anniversary when her dad died suddenly during a snorkeling excursion off the coast of Honduras. Watching my best friend crumple to the floor, taking the phone and hearing the news from her brother, I knew that from this moment on life would be forever different.
I first met Dad as an angry, almost 12 year old girl. I had recently moved to Florida to live with my father, step-mother, two step-brothers, and a six month old half-brother, and he was the pastor of the church they attended. I was very angry about the move. I did not want to be here, and I expressed my displeasure with the situation often. My father had convinced my mom that he wanted to make up for all the lost years between us (I hadn’t seen him since I was around 4-5 years old), and my mother truly believed it would be good for me. To make a long story short, it wasn’t. I will maybe discuss that another day, but suffice to say, I left home one week after my 17th birthday and never looked back. However, during those turbulent five years, the one constant in life was “Dad” – and his daughter who is my best friend to this day. He was my champion. He believed in me and encouraged me even when no one else did. He took me in as one of his own, and I was often referred to as another daughter. He married me and was there when both of my children were born. He comforted me when that marriage began to crumble due to my husband’s ongoing battle with mental illness. He was there when I thought I had found someone new with whom to share my life, and was still there when that ended up not being the case. All of my holiday memories revolve around him, my best friend, and our families because we spent them all together. He attended all of my children’s birthdays, and more recently, both of their high school graduations. He was so proud to see the woman I had become and the adults my children were turning out to be, and we spoke often about what the future held. He was the only grandfather my kids really knew, and in the words of my daughter, “The only one who has stayed” for their entire lives. Right before he left for his cruise, I saw him in the parking lot of Home Depot. We talked for just a short while. Most of the conversation revolved around his displeasure about me moving back to Chicago. He has been trying to talk me out of it for as long as I have been talking about going. The conversation was short, but light-hearted, silly, and full of love. I am so glad I have that moment to cherish.
Because of his position as a well-known and highly regarded minister, people all over the world are mourning his loss. He was the founding pastor of our church and had affected thousands of lives. He leaves behind his high school sweetheart, three children who loved him dearly, and three grandchildren who adored him. More than that though, he leaves behind an extended family that spreads all around the globe. This week has been one of the most difficult in my life as we have been dealing with our grief about his death, planning his memorial service, guiding the church members through this difficult time, and most importantly, supporting the family with whatever they need. I feel like everything I do is inadequate to express my love for this man I called “Dad.” Even what I have written here does not portray the full picture of who he was to me. Suffice to say, I loved him completely, and he loved me unconditionally. I miss him.
And I know you’re shining down on me from heaven
Like so many friends we’ve lost along the way
And I know eventually we’ll be together
One sweet dayRead more: MARIAH CAREY – ONE SWEET DAY LYRICS /blockquote>
Words from the Long Run 